On the eve of Kerala Piravi, the phones of the office-bearers of Harahara Mahadeva Temple at Karanthur, Kozhikode, barely stopped ringing. The temple committee had planned an initiative for the next day to help young people in the neighbourhood struggling to find marriage partners. Organisers expected to help five or ten. Overnight, it drew an unexpectedly large response.Manoj Kambrath, joint secretary of the committee, said they had initially printed 500 registration forms, then raised that to 2,000 as calls poured in. Even that proved insufficient. Within 90 minutes of distribution beginning at 7am, all the forms were gone. As more people arrived, another 4,000 were printed. By afternoon, between 6,000 and 8,000 forms had been distributed.“We, the members of the committee, were shocked. We had never anticipated such a turnout,” said Kambrath.More strikingly, nearly 90% of those seeking alliances were men, most aged between 30 and 40. Why are more people finding it difficult to marry, and are men and women approaching the institution with fundamentally different expectations?Conversations with people in their 30s suggest the reasons go beyond the usual explanations. Men spoke about the difficulties of meeting expectations in the marriage market. Women spoke of personal freedom, unequal housework, patriarchal attitudes, the pressure to become mothers and, for some, ideological compatibility. Many say gender roles persist: Women are still expected to cook and clean, and men to earn more than their wives.Naveen Das, 32, a businessman from Kozhikode, has considered around 10 proposals in recent years. His occupation and horoscope mismatches, he says, have been major obstacles.“I have completed engineering, but I am into business rather than a conventional job. However, when I meet prospective brides, the biggest challenge is that families expect the groom to have a secure, white-collar job, preferably in a govt office, bank or company. Salary is not a concern; even Rs 25,000 a month is acceptable, provided it is a stable job,” he said.Sethu (name changed), 38, who works in construction, has considered more than 20 proposals, none of which progressed. Men in Kerala, he says, are expected to support the family as soon as they become adults, which keeps many from higher education. Yet a degree and a white-collar job are what count in the marriage market.“This creates a contradiction for men who have entered the workforce early or pursued occupations outside conventional salaried employment. While they may have achieved financial independence through other means, their professional choices do not always align with the expectations of prospective brides and their families,” says Sethu.For women, however, the challenges often begin with the expectations surrounding marriage itself. Tara (name changed), a 38-year-old lawyer based in Thiruvananthapuram, has largely moved away from the idea of arranged marriage. She finds it difficult to participate in conventional rituals such as pennukaanal (bride viewing), which she sees as a form of objectification. Ideological compatibility is another important consideration. “Political stance is of utmost importance to me. I am not speaking in terms of political parties, but I don’t think I can have a right-winger or a misogynist as a partner. These are non-negotiable for me,” she said.Thirty-one-year-old Sreya KS, an editorial consultant and a Kunnamkulam native, is also sceptical about marriage as an institution. She believes that traditional expectations surrounding marriage can restrict individual freedom, particularly for women, who are often expected to shoulder a greater share of household responsibilities.“The option of not having a child is very limited in an institution like marriage, as raising children is considered a duty. Perhaps the fault does not lie with the partner, but the challenge is posed by how the institution itself is designed to function,” said Sreya.Some women also cite men’s dependence on their parents, particularly mothers, as a source of friction. “There are mamma’s boys at all ages, whether they are 30 or have turned 40. This often causes friction in relationships,” said a woman who requested anonymity.Dating apps have not changed the picture much. Many in their 30s say dating rarely leads to marriage, or even a live-in relationship. Aparna (name changed), a 30-year-old college lecturer in Malappuram, believes there is a growing fear of commitment.“Those who are dating may have physical relationships, but they don’t necessarily see marriage as a necessity. For some, even at 30 or 34, marriage is a huge commitment. They may think about it and make plans, but when it comes to taking that step, things often don’t work out. Some even question why they need to get married at all,” she said.Men she has met through dating apps, she says, are more open about discussing sex and expressing interest than they once might have been. “Many prefer casual arrangements, meeting on weekends rather than building a long-term relationship. Since physical intimacy is more accessible, it may no longer carry the same emotional significance or sense of urgency it once did,” said Aparna.According to the Sample Registration System Statistical Report 2024, 20.4% of women in Kerala aged above 15 had never married. State govt data obtained through RTI show recorded divorces nearly doubled from 18,886 in 2020 to 35,238 in 2025.“Women today have greater autonomy, access to education and opportunities for independent sustenance. They no longer feel compelled to enter another relationship or depend on marriage for security,” said Bushra Beegom RK, head of the sociology department at the University of Kerala.“Given their past experiences of abuse and atrocities, many women no longer perceive marriage as a safe space. The challenges are not diminishing; in many ways, they are increasing,” she said.She also sees a widening gap in world views. More women migrate for education and work, and new peer groups, reading and social media have shaped their outlook. Boys are still raised with patriarchal values.“Most men, however, have not undergone the same shift because the patriarchal system remains comfortable for them, with religion, the state and politics often reinforcing it,” she said. Back in Karanthur, the temple committee has not given up; some members propose women-only events. But for many women, the question is no longer whom to marry, but whether marriage is worth entering on the terms society still offers.
Disclaimer: Views expressed above are the author’s own.