Amidst all the hustle and bustle, take a pause and think of all the advice out there about how to find fulfillment or inner peace. Most of it tries to fix your routines, career, or fitness. But what if a huge piece of contentment and peace is tied up in something less obvious: the story you keep telling yourself about who you are?This is where Dr Anna Schaffner’s work comes in. She was once a history professor at the University of Kent, but she switched gears: she left academia after experiencing burnout and retrained as a coach specialising in exhaustion. In a recent interview with The Telegraph, Schaffner argues that many people spend years trying to change their external circumstances while remaining trapped by deeply ingrained internal narratives: “I’m not good enough”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m a failure” or “people will always treat me badly”.This idea hits home especially for people in midlife, when careers, family, and who you think you are all collide. But really, anyone can fall into these thought traps, no matter how old they are.
The stories in our heads may be shaping how we experience life
Schaffner’s point is that we all grow up carrying stories, not necessarily reality. These stories often take root in childhood, maybe after being teased, criticized, or feeling like we never measured up. By adulthood, they’re so familiar that we rarely notice or question them. Someone disliked for being “not clever” might turn into an adult who always feels like a fraud. A person teased about their looks as a kid might grow up convinced everyone is judging them, no matter what.The real problem?These stories cost a ton of mental energy. Schaffner calls it “inner psychological warfare.” Instead of putting energy out into the world, you’re caught inside your own head, afraid or self-doubting. Psychologists know there’s a name for this: repetitive negative thinking. There’s even research: a 2025 review looked at over a hundred studies and found that people with more self-compassion tend to get trapped less by rumination and worry. The researchers want more studies to tell if one causes the other, but the connection’s there.
What’s the first step out of this maze?
Schaffner says it’s not about “just thinking positive.” It’s about noticing the story you’re telling yourself. Instead of, “I failed that presentation, so I must be incompetent,” try, “I notice I’m telling myself I’m incompetent because the presentation didn’t go well.” Suddenly there’s space between you and your self-doubt. Once you write down those nagging stories, you can start to see if there’s real evidence behind them, or if you’re just retelling old fears.There’s another piece: Positive moments tend to get lost. Schaffner says we naturally focus on memories that prove our negative beliefs, while good experiences get pushed aside. She suggests making it a habit to call up those brighter moments. Remember a time you felt strong, happy, capable, or loved. Where were you? What were you doing? Who was there? For Schaffner, who uses this strategy in her clinical work, it’s about reminding people that their lives are richer than a highlight reel of failures.Another shift, maybe one of the hardest, is learning to cut yourself some slack. Imagine you’re talking to someone you care about: would you judge them as harshly as you judge yourself? Losing a job can be spun into “I was never good enough,” or you could see it as a sign that it was the wrong fit, and maybe a chance to figure out what truly matters. The research backs this up: a meta-analysis of over 16,000 people found that self-compassion and well-being are closely linked. More recent data ties self-kindness to lower stress and healthier choices.But Schaffner insists: This isn’t just “think happy thoughts” or pretending nothing ever goes wrong. Most people chasing success or fulfillment end up realizing they’re not really after money, praise, or any outside fix; they’re looking for inner peace. They want their minds to stop attacking them, especially after chronic stress or burnout.The answer might not be working harder to “fix” yourself, but letting go of the old, harsh narratives that have shaped your self-image. It’s a muscle you have to build: catching those stories as they run, and asking, “Is this true? Is it fair? Is it useful?”It’s not a simple overnight shift. It’s ongoing. But that’s what makes it powerful; maybe finding peace doesn’t come when everything in life lines up, but when you stop believing every nasty story your mind throws at you.